Now

This past week several things happened, the two most outstanding being that a dear friend became ill – ill to the point that she is still hospitalized in ICU five days later and in and out of consciousness. My friend is changed  to the point where her daughter is warning visitors that her mother is not the same person she was the week before.

Another friend’s nineteen year old niece died.

Nineteen.

I was speaking with my own very wise nineteen year old daughter and got a catch in my throat and I wanted to hold on tight and scream ‘STOP!’

It’s all going too fast, this life.  I feel at moments like it’s spinning out of control and there’s not enough time to do what I want to do, be what I want to be.  I’m a list-maker and I have things to do.  Plans.   And not only is time spinning crazily away from us, but the structure of life itself is so, so fragile and delicate and anything – falling in love, taking a left instead of a right,  or deciding not to decide – could spin our lives in a completely different direction. We could end up in a life that wasn’t quite what we planned and what do you do with that?  

But this week has made this muddied vision a bit less muddy.  This living is not for the weak.  It’s for warriors.  And I have to remind myself that all I have is now. And now is all I need. So my task is to find joy in the now. To seek my bliss in the everyday and to feel the now as a gift not to be wasted.

And to be thankful for the life I have.

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